First Hurdle Done!

Well, we just completed our weekend adoption workshop.  Needless to say we are both overwhelmed and flooded with information.  I learned ALOT.  Its starting to be abit more real now.  It was kinda awkward because I was the only one there with a child, a biological child, which made some people feel abit uneasy ( I saw someone roll their eyes) which is fine.  I understand its hard when you dont have something you want very bad, we were all there for the same goal, we want a child and cant do it physically on our own.  There were some younger couples and some older couples.  All in all, it was a very good workshop, you get to ask anything, you learn TONS, you get to meet other ppl in your same situation, we also got to meet a young birthmom who had given her baby to this family, who was there also.  It was a very weird dynamic, but only weird because I am not there yet.  They're are all friends and the birth mom see's her daughter every few months or on birthdays because that is what they all agreed to.  And she flat out said, that is not my child, I am only the tummy mommy.  Wow, I cant even fathom having to make that choice and to actually follow thru with giving my child to someone else.  But I guess thats only because I am on the other end of the spectrum.  They had a really great relationship, they are all friends but the birth mom doesnt make any decsions or discipline the child.  They will be telling the little girl all about her adoption and be very open and honest.  I guess its all kinda hard to take in right now, its surreal.  How am I going to "share" this child yet she is still called my own?  Its all so crazy, but we do get to decide how much we want the birth parents in our life and before we get the baby, they have to agree to our "terms" and also, vice versa.  So, hopefully we find a match that is best suited to our expectations, soon.

We have alot of info to absorb after this weekend, but we still agree, this is what we want to do.
We both have alot of love to give, we both want a baby, so this is our best route to achieve these goals.  For those who dont already know, my doc has told me to stop trying to get pregnant.  I have an auto-immune disease which in laymens terms means, my body kills anything "foreign" that enters it (and tries to grow).  So, at least we finally have a reason for the losses and why after 3-4yrs, nothing has come from us trying, and spending so much money to a fertility clinic.  That money can now be used to make the adoption choice, a reality.

Thanks for listening *whew!*

Who actually has the best man in the world?

I do!!!  I can honestly say, I have THE best better half.  He has stood by me through thick and thin, loved me unconditionally, put up with my moods, my illness, my ex, amoung other weakness's.  He is literally my rock, he keeps me sane and calm when I wanna smack the grocery clerk cause she's just so stupid, lol.  He tells me I am beautiful all the time, and he really means it!!  This is the only man whose told me he loves me, and I know its sincere.  For this, I give him my trust and my heart, something I haven't done since I was alot younger.  I'm still new all this love stuff, I'm just learning how to actually say the words.  But only he is worthy of those 3 scary little words.

I can not promise you that
I will not change
I can not promise you that
I will not have many different moods
I cannot promise you that
I will not hurt your feelings sometimes
I can not promise you that
I will not be erratic
I can not promise you that
I will always be strong
I can not promise you that
my faults will not show
But -
I do promise you that
I will always be supportive of you
I do promise you that
I will share all my thoughts
and feelings with you
I do promise you that
I will give you freedom to be yourself
I do promise you that
I will understand everything that you do
I do promise you that
I will be completely honest with you
I do promise you that
I will laugh and cry with you
I do promise you that
I will help you achieve all your goals
But - most of all
I do promise you that I love you

Good days & bad

Today is a good day.  So far, not sick.  Its unfortunate that what is supposed to heal you ends up ailing you.
I need to learn to take it easy, something I'm not sure how to do.  I am strong and determined and when I get something in my head, I make it happen.  Maybe this auto-immune disease is "gods" way of saying HEY!  Slow down missy, you need to relax and give your body a break.

Sunday was a bad day, very bad migraine( a side effect) felt so very sick, nauseous and malaise.  Seems like every couple of days I get sick, and its getting more often now as my body is receiving more medication on a regular basis.  I need to let my body be sick if he needs to, dont try to take on too much.

First step, realization

Yesterday was my 38th birthday and it was the day I started filling out the paperwork for adoption. It was a day of happiness and sadness. Sadness being I turned 38 and still no baby in my arms. We learned that my body will most likely destroy any fetus that tries to grown inside me due to the auto-immune disease. It was frustrating mainly because we spent so much time and $$$ on fertility treatments and procedures for so many years, and I now look back and think that all could have been put towards adoption. But I am strong, I will move on and put all my energy into finding that perfect little girl, whom I will call my own.

Thats it for my very first blog entry, look forward to sharing many more thoughts.